Comments on: The Double-Edge of Deflection http://mindfulconstruct.com/2009/01/06/the-double-edge-of-deflection/ Tue, 31 Jan 2012 18:12:03 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.1.3 By: Debate or Discuss http://mindfulconstruct.com/2009/01/06/the-double-edge-of-deflection/#comment-53032 Debate or Discuss Fri, 22 Jul 2011 13:55:19 +0000 http://mindfulconstruct.com/?p=352#comment-53032 [...] [...] [...] [...]

]]> By: Denise http://mindfulconstruct.com/2009/01/06/the-double-edge-of-deflection/#comment-47941 Denise Tue, 24 May 2011 03:08:13 +0000 http://mindfulconstruct.com/?p=352#comment-47941 This is so what I am experiencing at the present moment. I am having family issues that cannot be resolved specifically because of deflection. No one wants to take responsibility for their words or their actions so they deflect instead and invalidate everything I am feeling and/or saying to resolve the issue. Now, one issue has become many, in the deflectors' minds, yet there is only one issue on my mind and until that is resolved or acknowledged, my family and I have parted ways. Very sad. This is so what I am experiencing at the present moment. I am having family issues that cannot be resolved specifically because of deflection. No one wants to take responsibility for their words or their actions so they deflect instead and invalidate everything I am feeling and/or saying to resolve the issue. Now, one issue has become many, in the deflectors’ minds, yet there is only one issue on my mind and until that is resolved or acknowledged, my family and I have parted ways. Very sad.

]]> By: Melissa Karnaze http://mindfulconstruct.com/2009/01/06/the-double-edge-of-deflection/#comment-41499 Melissa Karnaze Fri, 25 Mar 2011 17:02:42 +0000 http://mindfulconstruct.com/?p=352#comment-41499 Heater, it's similar to the statements above it because it follows the formula: "You are doing this (instead of doing that)." "You are defending your actions, instead of apologizing to me for what you did." Yes, it's based on my definition of a genuine apology, as an action. In terms of invalidation -- any time someone says that they're sorry to you but then they defend their actions as justification or as if to minimize the situation, it invalidates their apology, which means they invalidate your pain. Heater, it’s similar to the statements above it because it follows the formula: “You are doing this (instead of doing that).”

“You are defending your actions, instead of apologizing to me for what you did.”

Yes, it’s based on my definition of a genuine apology, as an action.

In terms of invalidation — any time someone says that they’re sorry to you but then they defend their actions as justification or as if to minimize the situation, it invalidates their apology, which means they invalidate your pain.

]]> By: Heater http://mindfulconstruct.com/2009/01/06/the-double-edge-of-deflection/#comment-41379 Heater Thu, 24 Mar 2011 21:32:06 +0000 http://mindfulconstruct.com/?p=352#comment-41379 I like this! I am kind of confused about one of the deflections you mention, though: "You're not really sorry when you still defend your actions." Why isn't this a destructive deflection? It sounds a lot like telling the other person how they feel and invalidating them. Do you see sorry as something other than a feeling? Or is there something else I'm missing about this statement? Of course, it's all contextual, and there's often a fine line between justifying actions, defending actions and explaining/exploring them (where explaining/exploring is more like a narration and not a justification). But one thing I appreciate about all the other examples in the list is how clearly they're constructive and informative -- "clean," if you will. This one, not so much -- in fact, it seems like it can easily be used to shame and attack, a more nuanced version of "if you loved me, you'd . . ." Not that I think that's what you mean, which is I suppose why I'm confused; it does not accord with all the other strong statements on the list. I look forward to your elucidation! I like this! I am kind of confused about one of the deflections you mention, though: “You’re not really sorry when you still defend your actions.”

Why isn’t this a destructive deflection? It sounds a lot like telling the other person how they feel and invalidating them. Do you see sorry as something other than a feeling? Or is there something else I’m missing about this statement?

Of course, it’s all contextual, and there’s often a fine line between justifying actions, defending actions and explaining/exploring them (where explaining/exploring is more like a narration and not a justification). But one thing I appreciate about all the other examples in the list is how clearly they’re constructive and informative — “clean,” if you will. This one, not so much — in fact, it seems like it can easily be used to shame and attack, a more nuanced version of “if you loved me, you’d . . .”

Not that I think that’s what you mean, which is I suppose why I’m confused; it does not accord with all the other strong statements on the list.

I look forward to your elucidation!

]]> By: deflection - StartTags.com http://mindfulconstruct.com/2009/01/06/the-double-edge-of-deflection/#comment-4261 deflection - StartTags.com Thu, 28 Jan 2010 23:16:16 +0000 http://mindfulconstruct.com/?p=352#comment-4261 [...] down on the front wing (I weigh 16 stone) as it is not a lot when I do it, it is pretty stiff. ...The Double-Edge of DeflectionIt doesn't matter how good they are or if they are dead right truethey have to be deflected so that [...] [...] down on the front wing (I weigh 16 stone) as it is not a lot when I do it, it is pretty stiff. …The Double-Edge of DeflectionIt doesn't matter how good they are or if they are dead right truethey have to be deflected so that [...]

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