So
someone hurt you.
You know it. And they know it too.
According to tradition, it’s up to you whether or not you forgive them.
Well, that’s a game.
It’s not worth playing because it’s lose-lose. And it doesn’t make sure that the same hurt doesn’t happen again.
Forgiveness is a game
When you are in the position to forgive another person, they are in the position of wrongdoer. Thus, you hold all the power to pardon them, even though they have done wrong, have sinned. The very act of forgiving exalts you — you are superior because you are the one who is right, who has done no wrong nor sinned.
The act of forgiveness pretends that you are better than the other person, when really, the situation has nothing to do with the quality or worth of a person as a whole.
The situation only has to do with a specific incident in time, where the other person gave you cause for hurt. To make it about anything more existential than that is simply a game. And games can mimic real life, but in the end they are only games.
Forgiveness is lose-lose
The whole point of forgiveness is to help you and the other person refer to the incident that gave you cause for hurt in a way that both of you can move on, amicably if possible.
Well, because forgiveness is a game, it misses this point.
Forgiveness can be forced for the sake of appearances (which requires that some major emotions are unhealthily suppressed in the process).
And even “authentic” forgiveness still sets you up as being superior — still sets them up as being inferior. You won’t be able to move on amicably if you are not equals in relationship.
You’ll always have that one incident in the back of your mind — that you can pull up any time you consciously or subconsciously need some reason to be superior again. That’s the perfect recipe for resentment, and erosion of trust over time.
You lose because forgiving presents the illusion of inequality (between you, the forgiver, and them, the sinner) as the truth, which will ultimately prevent you from dealing with real issues head-on and constructively.
They lose because they have forever sinned, and sin is a mark that cannot be lifted even by your forgiveness, so they cannot relate to you as an equal — ever. And, they aren’t given the chance to really make it better and learn from their mistakes (not their acts of sin).
Forgiveness doesn’t fix the problem
The real problem is that the other person hurt you.
You can’t go back in time and prevent it from happening. You can’t erase it from memory. You can’t take an eye for an eye, because hurt feelings aren’t measurable.
And you can’t rely on forgiveness to fix the problem — because forgiveness will only exalt you and make it look like everything is okay because “all is forgiven.”
When you stop and think about it, the very ritual of forgiving implies that the other person is off the hook. Once they’ve hurt you, the ball’s now in your court, and it’s your duty to forgive. The ritual of forgiving reflects the dysfunctional belief that you even have the duty.
Society will tell you that it’s your duty to “be a good person” and forgive so that you are ). It will try to convince you that you have to forgive if you ever want to move on.
Courage and emotional honesty can fix the problem
This dysfunctional belief isn’t true though, even if it’s popular, because forgiveness can’t fix the problem, and moving on doesn’t depend upon forgiveness.
What can fix the problem is courage and emotional honesty — on your part.
If you have the courage to speak up about how and why the other person’s actions hurt you, without judging or blaming them, and you have the emotional honesty to tell them what actions or words you need from them in order to make amends — then you’re getting somewhere. Then the problem is actually being dealt with — head-on.
Then they have the chance to hear you out, empathize with you, apologize, validate you, realize the impact of their actions, and choose new behaviors. Then your relationship evolves.
You win because you are emotionally validated, and you feel safer in knowing that because they know how they hurt, they will learn how to treat you with more love and respect in the future.
They win because you gave them a chance to see how they hurt you, all so they could make amends and still be an equal to you in relationship — which is what they want. They win because your giving them that chance is far more gracious than forgiveness ever will be.
And you both win because the process of validating hurt feelings leads to greater trust and intimacy. When you can weather a storm together as equals — not as sinner and forgiver — you both come out stronger.
Forget forgiveness and be honest
So someone hurt you.
You know it. And they know it too.
According to tradition, it’s up to you whether or not you forgive them.
Well, that’s a game. Because the tradition is dysfunctional.
It’s more honest, constructive, loving, and righteous to courageously speak to your pain and give them the chance to listen, so they may fix their mistakes and make amends.
When you do so, you take a risk. Maybe they won’t even care? Maybe they won’t even get it?
Maybe.
But that’s why it takes courage.
And even if it doesn’t turn out as you would hope for, you can still chose the higher road than forgiveness.
You chose to stay true to your feelings, and to give them a chance by communicating your feelings honestly, without making them wrong.
By doing so — regardless of their caring or getting it or making it right in the future — you gave yourself the chance set healthy personal boundaries to protect against the same hurt in the future, and the chance to learn what response ability is all about.
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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
Interesting perspective on the situation. I struggled with forgiveness and then out of the blue decided to read about Buddhism’s take on it. It made sense to me, and even made me a little happy.
I wrote about it, if you ever want to read about it. Buddha on forgiveness and reconciliation.
Melissa, A very very useful post indeed! I purchased a new car and kept in the new carshed in my rented house. The carshed has long iron rods which were painted. During that time the painter boys did care to ask me to take away my car as it would block their way to paint the upper iron rods that support the shed.
They stamped my damn new car and my wife said the landlord is a very influential person and we made a mistake of finding the dent long after it was done – a good week two weeks later as we covered the car with a cover.
She was of the view that the thing was done and there is no point in asking the landowner.
But, something was pricking me… they should know my feeling of hurt and letdown by asking them that the boys did it. He should’ve been careful in calling me to take the car out of the shed or should’ve waited till the next day to get me to remove the car.
I got a blunt reply saying the dent was not by stamping it. He made the remark without even seeing the dent. But, however, I had the solace that I had asked him about it and it would certainly pinch him in his heart and make him think.
I really like that mere forgiving people doesn’t help them know that how much their words, deeds hurt people. On the contrary if we question them, at least they may change their ways if not immediately but later in life.
Thanks for the wonderful post!
eds, interesting article, thanks for sharing. I like how it encourages reconciliation, and distinguishes it from forgiveness.
One of the quotes you talked about:
I would say that forgiveness as it is described here is not forgiveness as it is actually practiced, for the reasons I talked about. There are ways to choose not to retaliate, process your emotions so that resentment does not linger, and let go of any need to punish… without pursuing the traditional ideal of simply forgiving or pardoning the other person without doing any emotional work to get there.
It’s actually a huge and complex topic that will take several articles to explain. I’m hoping to do so in the future.
Solomon, thanks for sharing your experience as it relates to the article.
Yeah, that solace in knowing you at least confronted him… that’s much more rewarding that “letting it go” and pretending that you are “better than that” because you can forgive and just turn off your feelings.
You didn’t have to do it in anger, just with directness. And even if he never changes — in standing up for yourself, you showed yourself that the incident really mattered to you. So the next time, you’ll know more of what to expect when dealing with your landlord, painters, or a similar situation… which will help you prevent a similar thing from happening again.
Since forgiveness if just a mental construct our minds, i believe that forgiveness can be practiced any way we construct our mind to look at and practice forgiveness. So the way you describe forgiveness is how you’ve seen it practiced, however, in another community this type of forgiveness may be frowned upon. It’s like “yea there may be a social pressure to behave in the forgiveness way which is described, but as with anything, we have a choice, if we are aware, to not act on this pressure.” Consequently if we are aware, we also have the choice to find a better way.
and this :
I don’t think this reflects a reality I have seen, the ability to process emotions so you don’t retaliate. And I think that’s why forgiveness is phrased like that. Also there are times when the person who you are to forgive is still acting in a harmful way towards you. So this is another reason why this type of forgiveness is ideal, imo. If anything I would call empathy a game. Oh I’ll be empathetic with you if you are empathetic with me. why not just be empathetic?
Hopefully you get to expand your thoughts on forgiveness in your upcoming posts =)
eds, yes, this is true. I describe forgiveness in the way I’ve seen it practiced.
To be clearer, as I’ve come to understand it, you cannot forgive in the way that your quote described without working through your feelings first.
Main reason being that we can’t just suppress our negative feelings with the snap of a finger and have all magically forgiven — our biology won’t allow it.
I have seen it, and I experience it, and this website is designed as a springboard for others to do the same. :)
I’m not sure what you mean by empathy being a game. Are you talking about how tempting it is to have the other person say sorry to you first before you can “make up”?
Thanks for the encouragement eds, it’s good to know there’s reader interest on this topic expansion. :)
I find your article interesting. The whole point about forgiveness, though, is to set yourself free from bitterness or anger. Forgiveness is about grace, knowing that we all screw up but can set each other free by not holding grudges. I don’t think it has anything to do with being superior. I’ve hurt people too and have asked others for forgiveness. this lets them know that I’m sincerely sorry for my wrong and want to seek restitution. When they do forgive, it sets me free from the bondage of condemnation. I have forgiven many people without them even knowing they’ve hurt me. It’s a choice I choose to make. Nobody forces me. And sometimes it takes years, depending on the offense.
Eds…I read a bit on your Buddha sight and I would agree with you there. They sum it up quite nicely.
Hi Alison, healthy, loving, functional relationships do not involve bondage or condemnation. And suppressing bitterness and anger is not the same thing as freeing yourself from them, or attaining grace. Grace comes from emotional honesty first, and then choosing compassion, which is only possible after you have dealt with your negative emotions.