by Melissa Karnaze

Chess pawn upright beside knocked-down Chess king MEGA HOODIA FOR SALE, So someone hurt you.

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It's not worth playing because it's lose-lose, MEGA HOODIA FOR SALE. And it doesn't make sure that the same hurt doesn't happen again.

Forgiveness is a game

When you are in the position to forgive another person, they are in the position of wrongdoer, MEGA HOODIA price, coupon. Thus, you hold all the power to pardon them, Is MEGA HOODIA safe, even though they have done wrong, have sinned. The very act of forgiving exalts you -- you are superior because you are the one who is right, who has done no wrong nor sinned, MEGA HOODIA use. MEGA HOODIA FOR SALE, The act of forgiveness pretends that you are better than the other person, when really, the situation has nothing to do with the quality or worth of a person as a whole.

The situation only has to do with a specific incident in time, where the other person gave you cause for hurt. MEGA HOODIA schedule, To make it about anything more existential than that is simply a game. And games can mimic real life, but in the end they are only games.

Forgiveness is lose-lose

The whole point of forgiveness is to help you and the other person refer to the incident that gave you cause for hurt in a way that both of you can move on, canada, mexico, india, amicably if possible.

Well, because forgiveness is a game, it misses this point, MEGA HOODIA FOR SALE.

Forgiveness can be forced for the sake of appearances (which requires that some major emotions are unhealthily suppressed in the process). Buy MEGA HOODIA from mexico, And even "authentic" forgiveness still sets you up as being superior -- still sets them up as being inferior. You won't be able to move on amicably if you are not equals in relationship.

You'll always have that one incident in the back of your mind -- that you can pull up any time you consciously or subconsciously need some reason to be superior again. MEGA HOODIA FOR SALE, That's the perfect recipe for resentment, and erosion of trust over time.

You lose because forgiving presents the illusion of inequality (between you, MEGA HOODIA dosage, the forgiver, and them, Kjøpe MEGA HOODIA på nett, köpa MEGA HOODIA online, the sinner) as the truth, which will ultimately prevent you from dealing with real issues head-on and constructively.

They lose because they have forever sinned, and sin is a mark that cannot be lifted even by your forgiveness, order MEGA HOODIA from United States pharmacy, so they cannot relate to you as an equal -- ever. And, MEGA HOODIA gel, ointment, cream, pill, spray, continuous-release, extended-release, they aren't given the chance to really make it better and learn from their mistakes (not their acts of sin).

Forgiveness doesn't fix the problem

The real problem is that the other person hurt you.

You can't go back in time and prevent it from happening, MEGA HOODIA FOR SALE. You can't erase it from memory. You can't take an eye for an eye, japan, craiglist, ebay, overseas, paypal, because hurt feelings aren't measurable.

And you can't rely on forgiveness to fix the problem -- because forgiveness will only exalt you and make it look like everything is okay because "all is forgiven."

When you stop and think about it, MEGA HOODIA no rx, the very ritual of forgiving implies that the other person is off the hook. Once they've hurt you, the ball's now in your court, and it's your duty to forgive, buy no prescription MEGA HOODIA online. The ritual of forgiving reflects the dysfunctional belief MEGA HOODIA FOR SALE, that you even have the duty.

Society will tell you that it's your duty to "be a good person" and forgive so that you are ). It will try to convince you that you have to forgive if you ever want to move on. Herbal MEGA HOODIA, Courage and emotional honesty can fix the problem

This dysfunctional belief isn't true though, even if it's popular, because forgiveness can't fix the problem, and moving on doesn't depend upon forgiveness, MEGA HOODIA dose.

What can fix the problem is courage and emotional honesty -- on your part.

If you have the courage to speak up about how and why the other person's actions hurt you, without judging or blaming them, and you have the emotional honesty to tell them what actions or words you need from them in order to make amends -- then you're getting somewhere, MEGA HOODIA FOR SALE. Then the problem is actually being dealt with -- head-on. Where can i buy MEGA HOODIA online, Then they have the chance to hear you out, empathize with you, apologize, validate you, MEGA HOODIA steet value, realize the impact of their actions, and choose new behaviors. Get MEGA HOODIA, Then your relationship evolves.

You win because you are emotionally validated, and you feel safer in knowing that because they know how they hurt, they will learn how to treat you with more love and respect in the future, where can i buy cheapest MEGA HOODIA online.

They MEGA HOODIA FOR SALE, win because you gave them a chance to see how they hurt you, all so they could make amends and still be an equal to you in relationship -- which is what they want. They win because your giving them that chance is far more gracious than forgiveness ever will be.

And you both win because the process of validating hurt feelings leads to greater trust and intimacy. Is MEGA HOODIA addictive, When you can weather a storm together as equals -- not as sinner and forgiver -- you both come out stronger.

Forget forgiveness and be honest

So someone hurt you.

You know it, MEGA HOODIA FOR SALE. And they know it too.

According to tradition, MEGA HOODIA coupon, it's up to you whether or not you forgive them.

Well, Order MEGA HOODIA from mexican pharmacy, that's a game. Because the tradition is dysfunctional. MEGA HOODIA FOR SALE, It's more honest, constructive, loving, and righteous to courageously speak to your pain and give them the chance to listen, so they may fix their mistakes and make amends.

When you do so, you take a risk, generic MEGA HOODIA. Maybe they won't even care. Maybe they won't even get it.


But that's why it takes courage.

And even if it doesn't turn out as you would hope for, you can still chose the higher road than forgiveness.

You chose to stay true to your feelings, and to give them a chance by communicating your feelings honestly, without making them wrong.

By doing so -- regardless of their caring or getting it or making it right in the future -- you gave yourself the chance set healthy personal boundaries to protect against the same hurt in the future, and the chance to learn what response ability is all about.


{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }

eds September 15, 2009 at 8:45 pm

Interesting perspective on the situation. I struggled with forgiveness and then out of the blue decided to read about Buddhism’s take on it. It made sense to me, and even made me a little happy.

I wrote about it, if you ever want to read about it. Buddha on forgiveness and reconciliation.

Solomon September 16, 2009 at 1:29 am

Melissa, A very very useful post indeed! I purchased a new car and kept in the new carshed in my rented house. The carshed has long iron rods which were painted. During that time the painter boys did care to ask me to take away my car as it would block their way to paint the upper iron rods that support the shed.

They stamped my damn new car and my wife said the landlord is a very influential person and we made a mistake of finding the dent long after it was done – a good week two weeks later as we covered the car with a cover.

She was of the view that the thing was done and there is no point in asking the landowner.

But, something was pricking me… they should know my feeling of hurt and letdown by asking them that the boys did it. He should’ve been careful in calling me to take the car out of the shed or should’ve waited till the next day to get me to remove the car.

I got a blunt reply saying the dent was not by stamping it. He made the remark without even seeing the dent. But, however, I had the solace that I had asked him about it and it would certainly pinch him in his heart and make him think.

I really like that mere forgiving people doesn’t help them know that how much their words, deeds hurt people. On the contrary if we question them, at least they may change their ways if not immediately but later in life.

Thanks for the wonderful post!

Melissa Karnaze September 16, 2009 at 9:19 am

eds, interesting article, thanks for sharing. I like how it encourages reconciliation, and distinguishes it from forgiveness.

One of the quotes you talked about:

When you forgive me for harming you, you decide not to retaliate, to seek no revenge. You don’t have to like me. You simply unburden yourself of the weight of resentment and cut the cycle of retribution that would otherwise keep us ensnarled in an ugly samsaric wrestling match.

I would say that forgiveness as it is described here is not forgiveness as it is actually practiced, for the reasons I talked about. There are ways to choose not to retaliate, process your emotions so that resentment does not linger, and let go of any need to punish… without pursuing the traditional ideal of simply forgiving or pardoning the other person without doing any emotional work to get there.

It’s actually a huge and complex topic that will take several articles to explain. I’m hoping to do so in the future.

Solomon, thanks for sharing your experience as it relates to the article.

I got a blunt reply saying the dent was not by stamping it. He made the remark without even seeing the dent. But, however, I had the solace that I had asked him about it and it would certainly pinch him in his heart and make him think.

Yeah, that solace in knowing you at least confronted him… that’s much more rewarding that “letting it go” and pretending that you are “better than that” because you can forgive and just turn off your feelings.

You didn’t have to do it in anger, just with directness. And even if he never changes — in standing up for yourself, you showed yourself that the incident really mattered to you. So the next time, you’ll know more of what to expect when dealing with your landlord, painters, or a similar situation… which will help you prevent a similar thing from happening again.

eds September 17, 2009 at 4:56 pm

Since forgiveness if just a mental construct our minds, i believe that forgiveness can be practiced any way we construct our mind to look at and practice forgiveness. So the way you describe forgiveness is how you’ve seen it practiced, however, in another community this type of forgiveness may be frowned upon. It’s like “yea there may be a social pressure to behave in the forgiveness way which is described, but as with anything, we have a choice, if we are aware, to not act on this pressure.” Consequently if we are aware, we also have the choice to find a better way.
and this :

There are ways to choose not to retaliate, process your emotions so that resentment does not linger, and let go of any need to punish…

I don’t think this reflects a reality I have seen, the ability to process emotions so you don’t retaliate. And I think that’s why forgiveness is phrased like that. Also there are times when the person who you are to forgive is still acting in a harmful way towards you. So this is another reason why this type of forgiveness is ideal, imo. If anything I would call empathy a game. Oh I’ll be empathetic with you if you are empathetic with me. why not just be empathetic?

Hopefully you get to expand your thoughts on forgiveness in your upcoming posts =)

Melissa Karnaze September 17, 2009 at 7:03 pm

Since forgiveness if just a mental construct our minds…the way you describe forgiveness is how you’ve seen it practiced, however, in another community this type of forgiveness may be frowned upon.

eds, yes, this is true. I describe forgiveness in the way I’ve seen it practiced.

To be clearer, as I’ve come to understand it, you cannot forgive in the way that your quote described without working through your feelings first.

Main reason being that we can’t just suppress our negative feelings with the snap of a finger and have all magically forgiven — our biology won’t allow it.

I don’t think this reflects a reality I have seen, the ability to process emotions so you don’t retaliate.

I have seen it, and I experience it, and this website is designed as a springboard for others to do the same. :)

I’m not sure what you mean by empathy being a game. Are you talking about how tempting it is to have the other person say sorry to you first before you can “make up”?

Hopefully you get to expand your thoughts on forgiveness in your upcoming posts =)

Thanks for the encouragement eds, it’s good to know there’s reader interest on this topic expansion. :)

Alison October 22, 2009 at 4:34 pm

I find your article interesting. The whole point about forgiveness, though, is to set yourself free from bitterness or anger. Forgiveness is about grace, knowing that we all screw up but can set each other free by not holding grudges. I don’t think it has anything to do with being superior. I’ve hurt people too and have asked others for forgiveness. this lets them know that I’m sincerely sorry for my wrong and want to seek restitution. When they do forgive, it sets me free from the bondage of condemnation. I have forgiven many people without them even knowing they’ve hurt me. It’s a choice I choose to make. Nobody forces me. And sometimes it takes years, depending on the offense.

Alison October 22, 2009 at 4:39 pm

Eds…I read a bit on your Buddha sight and I would agree with you there. They sum it up quite nicely.

Melissa Karnaze October 22, 2009 at 11:00 pm

Hi Alison, healthy, loving, functional relationships do not involve bondage or condemnation. And suppressing bitterness and anger is not the same thing as freeing yourself from them, or attaining grace. Grace comes from emotional honesty first, and then choosing compassion, which is only possible after you have dealt with your negative emotions.

Kari August 15, 2011 at 5:25 am

Hi Melissa,

I’ve been all over your site this past week – it’s been a wonderfully enlightening experience.

This article in particular resonates very strongly with me. I had a very emotionally intense relationship with a guy, who broke it off with me by simply ceasing all communication. And every one kept telling me that I don’t need his response for closure. It’s true that I’ve accepted the relationship is over, but that doesn’t erase the fact that his behavior hurt me. That was six months ago, and to this day I still believe that he is the only one that can really resolve the pain by talking to me and repairing our ability to communicate with each other honestly and amicably again.

It really irritates me when I read about people being hurt by those close to them, and friends or other loved ones saying to just make peace with their hurt feelings on their own. Forgiving someone for their hurtful behavior when it hasn’t been acknowledged by them doesn’t help strengthen any relationship, I don’t think.

Anyway, thanks for the post, and the site overall :-)!

Melissa Karnaze August 16, 2011 at 11:19 am

Hi Kari,

I’m glad to hear the articles resonate with you.

“Forgiving someone for their hurtful behavior when it hasn’t been acknowledged by them doesn’t help strengthen any relationship, I don’t think. “

Right, as if forgiveness (emotional dishonesty) can act as a band-aid in a relationship. Forgiveness (though I wouldn’t use that particular word, because of all the emotional baggage associated with it) can happen, but if it’s *pursued* it’s likely an attempt to keep one’s own emotions “under control” and to avoid acknowledging open wounds that may never be validated by the person who gave them cause.

Kalynn July 21, 2012 at 5:41 am

I was looking through this website and found an article about response ability. I am living with ADHD and recently had a relationship end. I also have a life changing disease from being a part of the relationship. However, I am friends with his Mother and appreciate who she is seperate from her son the relationship with her son. I am very faithful, and I feel forgiving is an important part of change because it helps you embrace gratitude, and part of forgiving is acknowledging and expressing hurt. Some of us can hold onto anger for years. Yes our minds/emotions/anger are not alike, and as someone who (with ADHD) has an incredibly hard time grasping the focus it takes to feel and move forward, the one thing I may share equally is the ability to say at some point in my time, “I forgive.” It’s something we can choose to do forgiveness of spirituality, self, them, he, she, it, life, work, etc.

Forgiving someone or something comes in that persons own time, and so does accepting it. It does not minimize hurt or anger. It doesn’t act as a free pass, or make you any better or worse than anyone else. It doesn’t get you divinity points. You can’t do it just because that’s what people say is right. Real and lasting forgiveness doesn’t overlook a persons’ feelings, it allows you to no longer define your life by who hurt you, how, or when they hurt you. It is reaching a place of peace.

Jane July 22, 2012 at 7:07 am

I have a relative who recently discovered that over the past three years her husband has been committing unspeakable acts upon one of their children. Since her discovery she has been posting all kinds of nonsense about forgiveness (the popular, Oprah-driven notion of it) on her Facebook page: that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, allowing you to carry on without the weight of lingering anger, etc. When did appropriate anger, even rage, become inappropriate … something a truly evolved person should rise above? When someone has been grievously wronged, to suppress appropriate anger in the name of forgiveness is a prescription for future ails.

Jonathan Porecki November 19, 2015 at 2:04 pm

Great read, I had to give myself permission to be unsure over just about every paragraph, haha, and take it slowly. This is definitely a big game in life, even without including religious and spiritual thought systems.

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