Since forgiveness if just a mental construct our minds…the way you describe forgiveness is how you’ve seen it practiced, however, in another community this type of forgiveness may be frowned upon.

eds, yes, this is true. I describe forgiveness in the way I’ve seen it practiced.

To be clearer, as I’ve come to understand it, you cannot forgive in the way that your quote described without working through your feelings first.

Main reason being that we can’t just suppress our negative feelings with the snap of a finger and have all magically forgiven — our biology won’t allow it.

I don’t think this reflects a reality I have seen, the ability to process emotions so you don’t retaliate.

I have seen it, and I experience it, and this website is designed as a springboard for others to do the same. :)

I’m not sure what you mean by empathy being a game. Are you talking about how tempting it is to have the other person say sorry to you first before you can “make up”?

Hopefully you get to expand your thoughts on forgiveness in your upcoming posts =)

Thanks for the encouragement eds, it’s good to know there’s reader interest on this topic expansion. :)

There are ways to choose not to retaliate, process your emotions so that resentment does not linger, and let go of any need to punish…

I don’t think this reflects a reality I have seen, the ability to process emotions so you don’t retaliate. And I think that’s why forgiveness is phrased like that. Also there are times when the person who you are to forgive is still acting in a harmful way towards you. So this is another reason why this type of forgiveness is ideal, imo. If anything I would call empathy a game. Oh I’ll be empathetic with you if you are empathetic with me. why not just be empathetic?

Hopefully you get to expand your thoughts on forgiveness in your upcoming posts =)

One of the quotes you talked about:

When you forgive me for harming you, you decide not to retaliate, to seek no revenge. You don’t have to like me. You simply unburden yourself of the weight of resentment and cut the cycle of retribution that would otherwise keep us ensnarled in an ugly samsaric wrestling match.

I would say that forgiveness as it is described here is not forgiveness as it is actually practiced, for the reasons I talked about. There are ways to choose not to retaliate, process your emotions so that resentment does not linger, and let go of any need to punish… without pursuing the traditional ideal of simply forgiving or pardoning the other person without doing any emotional work to get there.

It’s actually a huge and complex topic that will take several articles to explain. I’m hoping to do so in the future.

Solomon, thanks for sharing your experience as it relates to the article.

I got a blunt reply saying the dent was not by stamping it. He made the remark without even seeing the dent. But, however, I had the solace that I had asked him about it and it would certainly pinch him in his heart and make him think.

Yeah, that solace in knowing you at least confronted him… that’s much more rewarding that “letting it go” and pretending that you are “better than that” because you can forgive and just turn off your feelings.

You didn’t have to do it in anger, just with directness. And even if he never changes — in standing up for yourself, you showed yourself that the incident really mattered to you. So the next time, you’ll know more of what to expect when dealing with your landlord, painters, or a similar situation… which will help you prevent a similar thing from happening again.

They stamped my damn new car and my wife said the landlord is a very influential person and we made a mistake of finding the dent long after it was done – a good week two weeks later as we covered the car with a cover.

She was of the view that the thing was done and there is no point in asking the landowner.

But, something was pricking me… they should know my feeling of hurt and letdown by asking them that the boys did it. He should’ve been careful in calling me to take the car out of the shed or should’ve waited till the next day to get me to remove the car.

I got a blunt reply saying the dent was not by stamping it. He made the remark without even seeing the dent. But, however, I had the solace that I had asked him about it and it would certainly pinch him in his heart and make him think.

I really like that mere forgiving people doesn’t help them know that how much their words, deeds hurt people. On the contrary if we question them, at least they may change their ways if not immediately but later in life.

Thanks for the wonderful post!

I wrote about it, if you ever want to read about it. Buddha on forgiveness and reconciliation.