I think the best you can do is try to understand how you experience it, without over analyzing it, because much if not most of that spark is subconscious.

Because in the end, a spark is just a spark. It can’t really make a good relationship, and it’s not the same thing as love-as-a-verb.

Thanks for sparking an interesting discussion. :)

Btw Cole, now I’m remembering the concept of consummate love from a psychology class or two, and those neat categorical blends.

Sternberg’s framework is interesting…. it’s at least helpful in thinking about your own relationships and how they fall into it, and to perhaps go forward with a clearer idea of where you want to be. In the department of love, experience seems the most effective tool.

Dr Epstein’s “Making Love” experiment quite perfectly hits the nail on the head of what I was considering. After reading a bit about it, I come away thinking that while the “four pillars” he describes may be essential or at least very important to maintaining a successful relationship, there’s still something to be said for the proverbial “spark”.

Can you build love through acting in loving ways without the feeling and thus create it.

This is a great question Odin. It seems to me that you are referring to creating love in the romantic sense, is that correct? If so, then I don’t have a straight answer, but I do think that people experience the romantic feelings of being in love in various ways. So, acting in loving ways could create the romantic love feeling, but it does depend on the person. And at some point, there is a definite relationship between the feelings and the actions.

Or in other words, can you start with a commitment to someone and have the elements of intimacy and passion blossom later.

In 2006 I did an editorial internship with Dr. Robert Epstein. I just checked out a recent video on this part of his website, and it looks like he taught an upper division psychology class at UC San Diego this past spring, Interpersonal Relationships. But a more controversial class you’ll see, testing the common notions of “falling in love.”

I haven’t looked into all of his research, writings, or his Love Contract in depth… but I did conduct phone and email interviews with several happy couples in arranged marriages as part of one of his research projects. What I learned from those couples I spoke with on the phone was that they learned to love each other. They made a commitment to build a life together, and they did fall in love.

At that time, it expanded my Westernized notions of falling in love, and it was beautiful to hear their stories. Of course, not everyone wants to create love this way, but there are still cultures that treasure arranged marriage, or just a mindful decision commitment where both partners want to have a happy and successful relationship.

if love is only intimacy, it is liking

if it is only passion, it is infatuation

if it is only decision commitment, it is empty love

if it is both intimacy and passion, it is romantic love

if it is both intimacy, and decision commitment, it is friendship

if it is both passion and decision commitment, it is fatuous love

if it is all three, it’s consumate love

His framework, not mine.

“Because love is something that you do. If you don’t act in loving ways, but claim that you feel it, you won’t fool anyone for too long.”

Lately I’ve thought about the relationship of these two things. To some extent, that feeling can be what drives you to act in loving ways. It’s partly compulsory actions inspired by a feeling and part deliberate actions taken just based on knowledge, or “decision commitment” I think is the same thing I’m trying to describe, as Cole quoted from Robert Sternberg.

So what I’ve though about is looking at it from the other direction. Can you build love through acting in loving ways without the feeling and thus create it. Or in other words, can you start with a commitment to someone and have the elements of intimacy and passion blossom later. Or maybe that’s just being on the other side of unrequited love.

Ah, I do have some drafts for intimacy, and the commitment of self-love! Thanks for the support Cole.

Thanks for mentioning Sternberg too, I’d love to learn about what he has discovered.

Robert Sternberg is a great psychologist and writer on love. You would love his construct for the experience of love. He defined three qualities of this experience – intimacy, passion and decision commitment.

Intimacy is the feeling of connectedness. Passion is what we think it is. The third is the acknowledgement love and the commitment to maintain it for some period of time.

Love is absolutely a verb. And if you think about the qualities of intimacy, passion and commitment, you find a rich set of acts-of-love. Imagine the essays you could write!