When people talk about emotions, they use specific words.
Those words matter.
They reveal what the people really think about emotions.
By paying attention to the words someone uses, you can see whether a they are afraid of their emotions, stumped by them, in turmoil because of them, groping to “re”-gain control, or simply bitter about the whole having-emotions thing.
Wanting to control emotions
When someone says they want to:
- Control
- Keep in check
- Manage
- Deal with
- Tame
- Domesticate
- Master
their emotions… they’re likely pitting their emotions as adversary.
Or maybe just nuisance.
And their goal is to dominate with mighty left-brain thinking or enough minutes of mindfulness meditation, so that their emotions don’t dominate them.
That kind of me-against-them mindset leads to problems later on.
It focuses on controlling something that you can’t control, distracting you from the only thing you can control — which is your response ability to your emotions.
And it puts you at war with yourself.
Not needing to control emotions
When someone says they want to:
their emotions… they’re speaking to a more balanced relationship with them.
They know that there’s no such thing as controlling what is just a part of yourself.
And that it’s smarter and more realistic to move toward emotions rather than away from them.
Lots of people want to control emotions
There are plenty mental health professionals, psychologists, life coaches, and educators who describe emotions in unbalanced (and outdated) ways.
All you have to do is put their words under a magnifying glass, and you’ll start to see the signs of dysfunctional beliefs about emotion.
This is why it’s important to always check your sources and ask yourself, “Is this person/organization/ideology representing a balanced/constructive/response able relationship with emotions?”
And this doesn’t just apply to mental health professionals, psychologists, life coaches, and educators.
It applies to everyone else who has some type of authority in a social system.
(We’ve got plenty of mythlore pitting emotion as the nemesis to reason, being slowly corrected by cognitive-affective science.)
How about you?
And it applies to yourself.
So how about you?
Do you want to control your emotions?
If not, what words do you use to describe your relationship to them?
The ones you pick will play a big role in shaping that relationship, and steering your mental-emotional health — for better or for worse.
Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Yes! I do want to control my emotions! That’s actually the reason I started reading your blog, but then I kept on reading your blog because I’ve learned “response able” is the key not control. Control is simply an illusion.
Definitely, control is an illusion. Response ability is more practical. Thanks for sharing Kelley. :)
My emotions have always been my guide to understanding myself.I follow the leads they give me on my true motivations.I trust them deeply and have relied on the wisdom of my emotions to guide me through difficult situations in my life. I strive to work with them rather than control or eradicate them. My life is richer and more meaningful for having emotion .Good or bad, happy or sad, it all adds to the richness of life.
Beautiful Caroline, thanks for sharing.