“Don’t take it personally.”
“It’s not about you.”
“Just let it go.”
That’s what they say. What they hope you’ll believe.
What they tell themselves over and and over again in hopes that repetition makes it true.
But it is about you.
Because you did take it personally.
It did upset you. It did irk you. It did ruin your day.
There’s no taking that back.
When something triggers an emotional reaction in you — you have already taken it personally.
What “Don’t take it personally” really means
When people tell you not to take something personally, this is what they mean:
“This really upsets you, doesn’t it? Shoot, we can’t let that spiral out of control. Because I have a phobia of anger and all the other ugly emotions. I’d be way too uncomfortable if you stayed with this feeling. Frankly, I never let myself feel this way for too long because I have no idea what to do with it.
Here, I have an idea — just pretend it doesn’t really matter to you. That might quell your upset. How will we do that? Let’s distance you from the situation with abstract language.
Let’s say that this event/person/situation is not about you or directed at you (even though you already experienced it that way — even though all of life is experienced subjectively). Let’s say, don’t “make this” about you when it really isn’t. Don’t make it any messier than it needs to be.”
Why everything you experience is personal
Any time you get upset, feel hurt or frustrated — it is a personal issue.
Some thing gave you cause to feel a certain way.
Every emotion you experience is an obviously personal matter. You feel because something happened, something that your subconscious cognitive networks deemed important for you to be alerted of — via your bodily emotions.
So by the time that thing gave you cause to feel, it’s too late.
It’s personal.
Otherwise you wouldn’t be emotional about it.
Why it’s better just to admit this
It can be tempting to pretend you can take a redo,
“Wait, let me take back that emotion. It doesn’t mean much. Because this really isn’t personal. It’s not important to me after all.”
That’d be a nice try. A nice attempt at a side swipe.
What would you be dodging exactly?
Response ability. For big things, like life, and your emotional health and well-being.
You would be dodging your personal responsibility of taking yourself — and your emotions — seriously.
You know, like a response able adult would do.
When you pretend that you can “not take things personally” you get yourself into serious trouble — with yourself of course. Your emotional self, Inner Child/Ego.
And you start a war against your true feelings. Trying to shove them down hoping your subconscious won’t notice.
All because your friend has no idea what to do with an uncomfortable emotion. All because society has no idea. All because the world goes ’round deathly afraid of emotions.
A constructive way to take things personally
If you’re on the path of creating your life as a mindful construct, you know what this path requires.
It requires that you commit yourself to nurturing your relationship with you, so that it’s as healthy as it can be.
So that all your emotions are juiced and worked just right so they grant you more intelligence and response ability to life.
That means, anytime something bothers you, you let it bother you — mindfully so.
You take it damn personally, damn proudly, for as long as it takes.
You say to yourself:
“Yes, this irks the irk out of me. And it’s funny, because my friend so and so would tell me not to take this personally because it’s not worth it. But I know it’s worth it.
I’m going to stay with this emotion for as long as it takes for me to understand why I’m experiencing it. Because when I find out why. Man oh man, will the experience mobilize me for the the better.
Yes, this is very personal. It’s so personal it can change my life for the better. Help me grow and learn how to take better care of myself. But only if I sit with it. Only if I let it ruin my day. Because I have to find out why. And to find out why, I need to take the journey within.”
What it really means to take things personally
Taking something so personally it makes your knees shake — is the only way to live your life with the kind of mindfulness that matters. The only way to construct your life in a way that works for you.
Taking something so personally it makes your knees shake means saying no to the rest of the world when it’d rather you retreat with fear; reframe the situation in a dysfunctional way to distance yourself from your true feelings.
Taking something so personally it makes your knees shake is one of the noblest things you can do, so long as you work with your emotions constructively after the fact. It’s the only way to truly know thyself.
So take it personally. It’s all personal. It’s all about you. It’s all going to happen whether you like it or not.
You can’t control what happens to you, or how personal it feels.
You can only choose how you respond after it happens.
What do you think?
Are you convinced that taking things personally can actually be good for you?
Why or why not?
Let’s get personal about this topic. I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.
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{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
“Taking something so personally it makes your knees shake” – I love this! I share your perception that often people don’t want us to take things personally because of their own discomfort with rawness and conflict. I’ve also noticed that telling myself not to take something personally doesn’t make it stop hurting.
I’m absolutely with you about acknowledging and sitting with my emotions, and letting myself be at the center of my own story.
At the same time, I find that it does help me to remember that I am not at the center of other people’s stories, and often they’re on their own trajectory not even noticing that something might be painful for me. Yes, I sit with my feelings of abandonment around that!
Like most “common sense”, I think there’s both a damaging and an affirming way to interpret “don’t take it personally.” Thanks for the thought-provoking post!
Great to see you again Sonia!
Yes, it’s good to remember that you are not the center of other people’s stories. And I would say, only after you first believe that you *are* the center of their stories, if that’s how it plays out with your emotions. The next article is lined up to talk about this timing thing in more detail.
“Taking something so personally it makes your knees shake” – this is an appropriate description. What an uncomfortable feeling that is! One I experienced yesterday. I wish that I had birthed it longer before I responded. If I had I would have recognized each of us had projected our own fear onto the other and my response will only make the situation worse. I wait with baited breath for the follow up article about timing!
“Take It Personally” is the title of a blog post sitting in my Drafts page :)
While there is some good in not taking things personally (e.g. not being offended when our beliefs are questioned), it is wrong to ask people to detach themselves from the things that matter to them, and that includes their emotions and ambitions.
I quit my job because I couldn’t waste my life under poor management. I couldn’t see the project I was working on and felt passionate about being trampled on for political gains.
It takes a personal investment to engage in the things that matter to us, so it’s only natural that we take them personally.
Pat, it’s so wonderful to see you here! Yes, the knees shaking part just seemed like the natural description. :P
Great timing! Would you be interested in describing a little more how taking it personally would have allowed you to see that you both were projecting fear onto the other? Because what you are describing is that being highly *irrational* (taking it knee-shaking personally) would actually let you see things with much more *clear* thinking!
Haider, another wavelength synchronicity eh? ;)
Can’t wait to read your article on the topic, this one was a draft for waay too long!
Yes! I like to think about this type of “not taking things personally” as having healthy mental *boundaries.* And good strong boundaries come from tons of genuine emotional work and introspection. Being able to establish mindful boundaries is like the reward for all your hard work.
Exactly. Telling someone not to take things personally is basically telling them how_they_should_feel. Pretty righteous if you ask me.
Awesome for you Haider for not settling for less with your career, thanks for sharing. :)
I received an email that I took personally on a strictly superficial basic. Had I taken it into my body so personally that my knees were shaking BEFORE I fired off a pissy response I would have understood what was actually being conveyed. My sending the email troubled me so I went back an read the initial communication. Only then did I take it deeply within to see what I was doing was not helpful to the person. I was projecting some of my own fear and they had realized that. I was able to talk to the person before they read my inappropriate email (yes it said things that I did not really mean). At that time I told them what I ‘heard’ in the email and they acknowledged that yes they were trying to let me know they needed to work this out without having to deal with my emotions playing in as well; and in as kind a way as possible. It was cleansing and healing for both of us to have this genuine and frank conversation. Thank you, Melissa, for these articles. I have been working on these issues for sometime and they are very enlightening to me!
Pat, wonderful to hear you worked it out together. Thanks for sharing that experience! It’s amazing how much more you can see when you let yourself sink into your emotional experience. :)