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by Melissa Karnaze

BUY GENERIC MODAFINIL NO PRESCRIPTION, Timothy and Marcus are brothers. They're similar in a lot of ways. GENERIC MODAFINIL without a prescription, But they're different in how they relate to their anger.

When Tim gets mad, he lets himself stay mad for as long as he needs to, where can i cheapest GENERIC MODAFINIL online, so long as he's not being inappropriate toward others. Purchase GENERIC MODAFINIL online no prescription, When Marc gets mad, he stops the episode as soon as he can so he can skip to forgiveness instead.

How Tim relates to his anger in a healthy way

While it may appear that Tim needs to take anger management classes, he's actually far more forgiving than his easy-going brother Marc ever will be (given Marc keeps playing the forgivenss game), BUY GENERIC MODAFINIL NO PRESCRIPTION.

Because Tim understands that:


    • His anger is a healthy signal of problems that need to be fixed
    • He can express his anger in safe and appropriate ways, GENERIC MODAFINIL blogs, to find the deeper roots of the anger, About GENERIC MODAFINIL, and then work the root of the problems
    • His anger has meaning and value, and that he needs to listen to learn from it and use it
    • Once he work with his anger constructively, he can be more response able to whatever gave him case to be angry in the first place (it could be an external event or an internal belief)

After working through all these steps, GENERIC MODAFINIL photos, Tim's in an ideal position to learn from the incident that gave him cause for anger, GENERIC MODAFINIL over the counter, so that he can do something different in his life. Something hat leads to positive long-term change.

And something that may even prevent problems that would lead to anger in the future, japan, craiglist, ebay, overseas, paypal.

How Tim benefits from relating to this anger in a healthy way

Creating positive long-term change is great for Tim. BUY GENERIC MODAFINIL NO PRESCRIPTION, It's something for him to be proud of and happy about. GENERIC MODAFINIL alternatives, It's like turning a cruddy situation into a golden opportunity. And all because he listened to, honored, GENERIC MODAFINIL dangers, expressed, Fast shipping GENERIC MODAFINIL, and work with his anger.

Tim can genuinely give thanks for the invaluable learning experience, which ultimately mobilizes him to greater response ability and self awareness, GENERIC MODAFINIL trusted pharmacy reviews.

How Marc relates to his anger in an unhealthy way

Marc, GENERIC MODAFINIL overnight, who's too afraid to feel an ounce of anger drop into his bloodstream, won't be able to learn from the incident that gives him cause for anger, or grow from the pain, low dose GENERIC MODAFINIL.

So any type of thanks he tries to give -- will be empty and forced, BUY GENERIC MODAFINIL NO PRESCRIPTION.

His forgiveness will be cerebral, GENERIC MODAFINIL from canadian pharmacy, an emotional lie. And forget response ability. He'll only be concerned with the responsibility of being saintly and forgiving, GENERIC MODAFINIL cost, like any "loving" adult would do. Where can i find GENERIC MODAFINIL online, What Marc misses out on

In other words, by trying to be forgiving without acknowledging his own anger first, Marc never gets to:



    • Express his anger toward the wrongdoer (whether in person or private), GENERIC MODAFINIL price, because forgiveness means you forgo anger or other nasty thoughts -- which means he can't...
    • Follow that anger back to the problems it signaled (those problems may be entirely due to his dysfunctional thinking, Real brand GENERIC MODAFINIL online, the other person or event/trigger, or a blend of both)
    • Actually fix those problems, by using his anger as a powerful tool
    • Make a conscious decision to forgive -- as long as he's not true to himself and his emotions, what is GENERIC MODAFINIL, he can't know what he really thinks or feels about a person or event, GENERIC MODAFINIL gel, ointment, cream, pill, spray, continuous-release, extended-release, and thus can't 100% forgive without harboring nasty thoughts or icky feeling just beneath the surface

Forgiveness isn't gratitude

You can't say "thank you" when you're mad. BUY GENERIC MODAFINIL NO PRESCRIPTION, And when you don't let yourself get mad, you may stay mad subconsciously.

So you can't forgive without emoting that anger first.

When you get angry, buy no prescription GENERIC MODAFINIL online, honor that. Where to buy GENERIC MODAFINIL, Take it as personally as you can.

Why genuine gratitude is healthier than forgiveness

In order to cultivate genuine gratitude for a negative situation, you have to first process all your negative emotions about the event, order GENERIC MODAFINIL from United States pharmacy.

Doing that clears your mind so that you can mindfully choose to see the bright side of the story -- and thank your wrongdoer for giving you the opportunity to grow, BUY GENERIC MODAFINIL NO PRESCRIPTION. This means the negative event is no longer bad, GENERIC MODAFINIL natural, but a stepping stone for your continual growth.

Forgiveness is all about pardoning the wrongdoer -- and that wrongdoer remains bad. As long as you're judging them, you won't be able to look into yourself, find a lesson, and grow.

And as long as you stuff your anger, you won't be able to learn from the incident to build upon your emotional resilience. Which helps you work with BUY GENERIC MODAFINIL NO PRESCRIPTION, anger once it's triggered, and indirectly prevent it from getting triggered in the first place.

So don't even think about forgiveness... until you've let your temper run. And I encourage you to focus on gratitude over forgiveness any day.

Forgiveness is about how saintly you are. Gratitude is about how appreciative you are -- of your wrongdoer, BUY GENERIC MODAFINIL NO PRESCRIPTION. Which is far more compassionate and constructive, and more saintly anyway.

How about you?

Are you more like Tim, or Marc.

Do you think there's a difference between gratitude and forgiveness.

What does genuine gratitude mean to you.

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{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

adrian May 15, 2010 at 8:58 am

Isn’t “forgiveness” as you’ve characterised it, counterfeit?

It sounds to me like only the first brother is really doing any forgiving. You can’t really forgive unless you’ve processed your anger properly, etc.

Genuine gratitude” = “real forgiveness”, which is certainly better than martyred self-deception…

Melissa Karnaze May 15, 2010 at 9:32 am

Yes adrian, it is counterfeit. But most people have this totally dysfunctionally skewed view and practice of forgiveness, which is why I use this “common” definition here.

Of course, forgiveness is just a word, a social construction about a particular experience.

The way you describe it is exactly as I think it should be. (Or maybe we need a new word altogether, since the connotations are so strong.) The other way, that Marcus and most of the world prescribes to, is very harmful and as you say, martyred self-deception.

Jon May 18, 2010 at 5:04 pm

Hi Melissa,

I stumbled upon your pithy site searching for a discussion on taking things personally. I have enjoyed and appreciated your honesty.

And there is probably more I should read before posting a comment, but being a recovered anger-addict wanted to say something about theory vs reality when it comes to “expressing” anger.

To reveal my bias, I should admit that you’ll never convince me that in California’s current culture, there is an appropriate way for males to express their anger in work or in intimate relations where women are involved.

My belief is that anger in males currently signifies something menacing. And it doesn’t matter whether the stimulus provoking the anger is unequivocally insulting and physically threatening. In such cases, we would say instead that his angry expression was not inappropriate.

But men expressing anger in the absence of physical threat and in context with a woman, however badly she insulted him, doesn’t fly.

To break my chronic episodes of anger, I thought of them as a habit of indulging that emotion. I am eternally grateful to my ex-wife for her candor because she never equivocated: in men, she said, anger is unaesthetic and threatening.

Then I took an anger management workshop in which the facilitator took a supporting position. For him, anger was trait selected for during an earlier period in our evolution and has no advantage now.

Now, I’m glad to say that on the rare occasions I do get angry, the heat or intensity does not last more than a few minutes. After that, I feel like I have a greater choice in whether I will think about the stimulus.

But even in the few moments of intensity, I can tell other people perceive my angry emotional state, (even if I don’t say a word and try to keep a blank expression on my face).

On the other hand, part of me does feel like my anger is a healthy signal that something around me is threatening.

So I’m very interested in reading more of your thoughts on the face of anger and, if you can recall times when people who were angry with you expressed constructively, what you saw them doing that did not leave you feeling threatened.

With compliments,

Jon

Melissa Karnaze May 20, 2010 at 4:41 pm

Hi Jon,

Before I respond, I would like to address how you prefaced your comment:

And there is probably more I should read before posting a comment, but being a recovered anger-addict wanted to say something about theory vs reality when it comes to “expressing” anger.

I write all of my articles based on personal experience, as well as theory when it makes sense. So when you reference “reality,” I take that to mean you are in fact referring to your personal experience as well. :)

With that said, I really appreciate hearing your personal experience.

To reveal my bias, I should admit that you’ll never convince me that in California’s current culture, there is an appropriate way for males to express their anger in work or in intimate relations where women are involved.

Perhaps your view on “expressing anger” is that is always needs to be hostile and violent? A yelling fit or a rage. Several males in my life have expressed anger to me in ways where I wasn’t harmed or left feeling threatened, but was grateful they were so honest with me.

Anger doesn’t always have to be expressed in a “I’m going to hurt you” manner. (It should not be expressed that way to anyone, unless it really is a situation of self-defense, physical threat like you say, or the receiving end insists that they hear the other person out.)

Anger can be expressed within the context of a caring relationship where both parties expect honesty from one another. When she expects him to tell her when she messes up and really hurts him, so that they can together resolve it and figure out how they can both grow from the incident. It’s a mutual understanding that when anger isn’t expressed, everyone gets hurt worse later on. And the anger gets worse and more compounded later on, maybe even exploding at a later date.

(My experience with rage is that it’s a final resort. The person has opportunities to express anger at a smaller scale earlier on — like expressing frustration or annoyance or irritation. But when that’s brushed over, it just builds. The “boundaries” are continually violated, and the body must respond — because that’s the animal instinct of self-preservation.)

But just because you care about someone doesn’t mean that you can express your anger toward them without being threatening or hurting them. Often, it’s more appropriate to express anger — and most certainly rage — in private, so no one gets hurt and so you have the freedom to really express it.

I am eternally grateful to my ex-wife for her candor because she never equivocated: in men, she said, anger is unaesthetic and threatening.

Anger doesn’t have to be threatening. When a parent disciplines their child, it doesn’t have to be threatening. And anger most certainly never has to be aesthetic.

Anger isn’t really an aggressive emotion, it’s a defensive one. You get angry when you feel under attack, violated, or afraid. It’s the body’s defense system. I’ve watched men in a rage, not seeing them as unaesthetic and threatening, but as being true to their innermost feelings and fears and crying out in desperation — being pushed to the brink with little feel for any resources or hope. It’s a scary, scary place to be that shakes your foundation in the world — which is why the defense-mechanism, rage, is so powerful.

Then I took an anger management workshop in which the facilitator took a supporting position. For him, anger was trait selected for during an earlier period in our evolution and has no advantage now.

Anger still serves a purpose in this modern age, you can find out more on why I say this in other articles on the site. Because we live in modernized society though, it’s much easier for us to get angry about things and not know why — that’s why it appears that anger serves no advantage.

On the other hand, part of me does feel like my anger is a healthy signal that something around me is threatening.

That’s great to hear!

So I’m very interested in reading more of your thoughts on the face of anger and, if you can recall times when people who were angry with you expressed constructively, what you saw them doing that did not leave you feeling threatened.

The bottom line is that when someone expresses their anger to me because ultimately they want to work as a team to fix the problem — it’s not threatening. Or when, they express their anger because they’re hurt and they want me to know because they care about having a good relationship with me.

Those desires, to work as team, and have a good relationship, have to be foremost in their motivations. In some of these cases the person may have had to take a step back first (and maybe do the anger management exercises you practice) in order to get perspective and remember these motivations. These motivations essentially “shape,” “modulate,” or “regulate” the anger expression so it’s considerate and constructive and not just a spew-fest.

What also helps is that I’m more comfortable than the average person around anger. That’s because I look past the angry response, and read the (unmet) needs and boundary violations behind it. I would rather someone tell me they’re pissed at me, and have it be slightly uncomfortable, than for them to hold it all in and brush over the clear problem that otherwise won’t go away. Because the problem will likely remain and get worse. And that can be far more destructive in the end.

Mary Neale September 12, 2014 at 4:38 am

Hi Melissa,

I too stumbled across your website and I’m so glad I did. Thank you so much for explaining in clear, everyday language how to approach emotions. This blog, the comments and your responses clarify so much for me – answers I’ve been searching for.

If you’re talking gratitude, I’m certainly feeling gratitude towards you for taking the time and energy to produce this insightful website.

I will continue reading xxx

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